Week 8 recaps

This past weekend was the inaugural Shoaf Halloween party.  Good times.  Beb came as Unfozen Caveman Lawyer, which I thought was amazing (even though he went around the party telling people how dumb his costume was and he should have tried harder).  This doesn't really have anything to do with the writeups...just wanted to honor beb on the 10 day countdown to his wedding.  Other Halloween pics can be found here:
Halloween 2010


More importantly, HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!  Blick has won a game.  This actually surprised me more than the Vikings waiving Mr. Randy less than a month after giving up a 3rd round pick for him.  I'm sure you've all heard the story by now, but god, Randy Moss is a fucking horrible human.  For those of you that missed the intricacies of the story, you can find them here.   Also, in nba news, Kevin Garnett apparently called Charlie Villanueva a "cancer patient" during a game the other day (CV suffers from alopecia...and doesn't have any hair).  Some athletes are just awful and insensitive to how real humans behave.  However, I still reserve the right to name my nba team the Browless Wonders after CV...I'm honoring him.    
After the jump, you'll find the owner submissions for recaps.  All recaps are written by the week 8 winners.  I'll let them speak for themselves, but I'd love to hear your opinion on it in the recaps.  

Boys on Boats 99.2, Team Pussy 63.2  ...from blickley

After a combination of shitty performances (lowest points scored in the league) and bad luck (having faced the league's #1 or 2 scorer in 4 of the first 7 weeks) led to an 0-7 start, the seamen have now rattled off 1 consecutive victory.  The never reliable duo of David Garrard (30.6) and Mike Sims-Walker (22.3) combined for more than half the Boys' points.  Other than that, nobody on either team was really any good.  Interestingly, Dekker started three players (Ronnie Brown (6.8), Mike Wallace (4.3) and Kellen Winslow (0.5)) that, at one point or another this season, were on the Boys' roster.  Serves him right for relying on my garbage.

At the risk of being ostracized for stating a belief not commonly held by members of this league; real life was actually more interesting than fantasy football last weekend.  My wife and I returned to her hometown, Key West, to visit her dad and to go to Fantasy Fest.  In case you've never heard of Fantasy Fest, its a little like Mardi Gras except that its not religion-based, there are at least 20 times as many boobs, its 40-50 degrees warmer and there's a lot less puke in the street.  This link will give you an idea of what its like, although, I would strongly advise that you not click on this link if you're checking at work:  http://www.fantasyfestmemories.com/FFMain.htm (commisioners note: There are a fuckload of old, fake boobs in that link.  Yikes). There's nothing quite as uncomfortable as walking down the street with your father-in-law having the "real or fake" conversation over and over again...oh, except the, "is that her pussy?  nope...wait a minute...yep, yep, I think its her pussy" conversation.

Hung Like Blagojevich's Jury 126   vs. Nude Tayne 122 ...from Larson

“Poor Nude Tayne”.  These wise and bitter words were never truer than this week in fantasy football.  Tayne is probably regretting showing up this week in his birthday suit as the former governor of Illinois seized the opportunity to bend him over the table, and slam Tayne’s poor little butthole into comatose submission.  Expect Nude Tayne’s IR list to grow this week as the starters recover from this deep and relentless anal pounding.  “Recover?” you might ask. “It’s just anal sex…”  Not when you are Hung Like Blagojevich’s Jury, I’m afraid.  It’s like getting fucked by a watermelon. 

Leading the charge at QB was Troy Smith.  This timely and calculated waiver pick-up, mocked by Shoaf and others, contributed 18 points or more than twice the 8.1 points Will’s QB could muster.  Ah, the wondrous joy I get from watching Will trip over his own idiocy.  (As a side note, the other waiver pick-up heavily mocked by Will early in the season, Peyton Hillis, is averaging over 14 points per game.  Well done, Will.  Well done.)  However, even without Smith’s 18 points, the governor still would have handily beat Tayne thanks to the heroic efforts of Calvin Johnson (29.1 points), Frank Gore (19.5 points) and Mike Williams (17.5 points).  I’d provide more detail on the specifics of the games except I didn’t watch any of them because I was learning how to install a car seat.  I have two more months to write about anal sex before I have to "set an example" and "be a good father" or some nonsense.  

Whiteford went as that guy from sideways again...

Manning and Me  76.4   (4-4)  --- Hoosgow 74.7  (2-6)    ...from beb

this week joe and i faced off in a classic mediocre team bye-week crapfest. with two of my best players (eli manning and michael turner) and three of his best (matt ryan, roddy white, lesean mccoy) all on bye this week, our normally extremely mediocre teams were rendered extremely pathetic. however, much like a drunken hobo fight, the impaired state of our teams only added to the fireworks as this matchup came down to the final quarter of the monday night game between the texans and the colts. my boys were led by solidly mediocre performances from ryan fitzpatrick (15.1), danny woodhead (11.8), reggie wayne (9.9), pierre garcon (7.8) and the saints D (14.). joe, on the other hand, got great games out of jamaal charles (24.8) and the bucs D (22) and pretty much nothing else from the rest of his team. his two qbs combined for under 15 pts, marshawn lynch had less than one pt and rookie wr blair white threw up a nice 0. in the end, the two colts receivers came through to help me squeak out a last minute win, while blair white countered by dramatically watching from the sidelines. while a 76 pt victory never feels that good, a victory over joe at least means i will keep a shred of dignity going forward. at least until i lose to whiteford again. 

Fat Wolverine 137.4   The Warfishes  102.6
First of all, I'd like to thank whiteford for helping my 6-1 team get better.  Thank you, whiteford, for trading me what I hope will be the number 1 receiver for rest of the year.  Welcome to Wolverine's Fat Brother, Mr. Andre Johnson. You are welcome to criticize the teams catering all you want...just keep scoring!  After last week's 0.4 loss to Larson (in which I died a little inside), my team rebounded with a huge week.  I'm not going to list all the guys I had that scored a ton of points, but there were plenty.  Rather, I'm going to focus on Trey, who's had a rough fantasy year so far.  He's in 11th place with a 2-6 record (and has the 11th most points scored).  He sucks, which is unfortunate after his post draft hype (which was provided solely by me).  Peyton is a great start to any team, and I thought 2 of his sjax, beanie, jacobs rb's would produce.  he also grabbed Fitz, who is probably the biggest bust of fantasy this year.  It's just been a shitty performance for a team with tons of promise.  Sad...

I was Ambrose Burnsides, but as the night wore on, I began to wear strawberry shortcake's hat

Bardois 106.7 (6-2) - xAdam 78.4 (5-3)  ...from dois

In his week 8 previews, the commish dubbed this the "Game of the Week."  But let's be honest: yes, it was a matchup of two 5-2 teams, offering the victor a chance at sole possession of 2nd place (assuming a Shoaf win and a Whiteford loss - safe assumptions). But the fighting Mike London's have been at our near the top of the league in standings and points scored all year, while xAdam is only 6th in points scored and 1st in the league in fewest points allowed by a wide margin (even after the 106 I dumped on him).  Predictably, this was a rout.

Foster (23.7) against the Colts and an injured but unstoppable Gates (19.3) cemented their #1 position ranks and helped overcome less than steller performances out of Big Ben (5.7), Ryan Torain (8.9) and Steve Smith (6.5).  xAdam's team got a great day from Vince Young (18.3), who I just today read lead's the NFL in passer rating - holy hell - and now has a new toy to play with in Randy Moss.  He also got decent RB production but his WRs sucked a fat one.

I've never met xAdam, but I've heard he's a big nerd, and a terrible Warfish player.  Okay I made that up, the warfish part.  No idea how good he is, but I'm sure he's a bitch.  I'll be in Austin for Bernier's wedding next weekend, however, if he'd like to buy me a beer as congratulations for beating his ass this week.  Or we can let it ride and I'll take 2 when the hoos spank the terps that day.  And no I don't care that you put up 62 on wake.

Dr. Teeth n the Electric Mayhem 80.4 (5-3)  Steuberleague 63.4 (3-5)  ...from sovic

During draft season this year, I was either visiting Bardey's place to draft side-by-side or staying at Bardey's place because I'm a shady homeless drifter. When it came to pass that Bardey, Dana (who participates in a ladies' league commissioned by Dekker's fiancee) and I had all drafted Jonathan Stewart in one league or another, we christened ourselves the "J-Stew Crew" and promised to pour beer all over each others' heads every time Stewart scored. Well, the ratio of beers that have ended up in my stomach to beers that have ended up on my head is standing at about 783-to-0 so far this season, and I started benching Stewart a while back. But when Doit told me on Friday night that DeAngelo Williams was injured and that he and Dana were both starting our boy, I decided that for the sake of the integrity of the J-Stew Crew, I would give him the nod over LeGarrette Blount. What did the Daily Show do with this golden opportunity? He rushed for 30 yards and no touchdowns. What did Blount do on my bench? 120 rushing yards and two touchdowns. Fuck you, J-Stew.

Fortunately, it didn't matter a bit because I was playing Steuber, whose team absolutely sucked this week. Let me tell you about Steuber's team:

Drew Brees (17): Had a decent game and beat a championship contender on national TV, but lost my respect when he conducted his post-game interview in a ridiculous cajun accent.

Felix Jones (3.6): Plays for the NFC's last-place team. I can't tell you how good it feels to say that.

Thomas Jones (8.2): Started the rumor that I wouldn't let him in to a DTD mixer back in 1999, when in fact that was Anthony Poindexter. Stop riding Dex's coattails, TJ! Get your own stories!

Davone Bess (3.3): Was recruited by Hawaii out of a juvenile detention facility. I did not make that up.

Danny Amendola (8.8): Has horrible bacne.

Wes Welker (2.4): Is a pretty good receiver, just so long as one of the greatest receivers of all time is on the field with him. Otherwise? Quite mediocre.

Vernon Davis (1.2): Is an ambassador for US Curling, which is actually pretty cool.

Knowshon Moreno (5.9): Is only still considered a legitimate fantasy roster option because his name is so much fun.

Redskins D/ST (13): Just lost to the Lions for what feels like the 5th straight time. Why the fuck can't we beat the Lions?

You and your team suck, Steuber. Fuck you all.

Good luck in week 9, bitches.