week 7

Sorry for the week 6 no show, but sovic did a kickass job. And...yeah, I know week 7 is late, but whatever. It's kind of hard to get motivated when my team is 1-6. However, I've decided to have a surrogate team to root for instead. My endless futility has necessitated me to choose a team to win it all. That team (in a stunning reversal for me) is the hated hoosgow. I figure that most people root against Joe on principle (like I used to), so Hoosgow might need a little help (and as beb can attest, rooting for one team or another makes a huge difference). So, from this point on, Hoosgow will be my team. Joe is 4-3 with his sites set on the playoffs. I'm sure my support can get him there. Good luck, Joe.

(another note, I can't figure out how to put the picture where I want it, so it's at the top. You'll understand as you read on,but whiteford looks fucked up)

Sovic 105 Endless Futility 89

Sovic, fuck you. You have sucked a fat one every week (except when you scored 101 to beat Lenny in week 4). Against me, you have your best game of the year. Fuck you and fuck Miles Austin and his 30 fucking points and fuck DeSean Jackson and his 24 fucking points. On my team, Vernon Davis had 27 points, but fuck him too...because it wasn't enough to beat you (disregard the comment I made on your Bifl Blog about Vernon Davis. He was on my team...not yours).

Caesar live here? 88 I am Milton Waddams 86

Oh, Lenny this was a heart breaker. You were down only 2 with 9 minutes left in the Monday night game. All you needed was 3 more points from Jeremy Maclin...but all he gave you was a mouthful of poop. Sorry, I fucking hate the close losses. Dekker was led by Peyton (21) and Nicks (14), but he didn't really have that much going on. Despite 23 from Rivers and 19 the NOLA D, Lenny couldn't pull it out. Sucks. Oh, dekker, I want you to know that Whiteford is actually taking your advice and going as Alan from the Hangover. He came over to my house today to borrow my baby. Someone else is loaning him the bjorn.

Hoosgow 82 Larson 64

Fuck yeah! What a win by Hoosgow. Normally, people might scoff at his measly 82, but I'm very proud of the effort his team put forth on this wondrous weekend. Is it normal to win when your highest scorer is a Defense (NE with 19)? Probably not, but nothing can stop the Hoosgow. With Schaub pitching in 18 and Sydney Rice with 14, Larson didn't stand a chance. Larson, Brady managed to give you 21, but everything else was crap. Especially awful was your choice off the Cleveland D, which managed -1 against the Packers of Green Bay. Nice pickup. Joe, good luck tomorrow vs. Blick. Go Hoosgow!

Who dat Ninja 101 Pitchman 75

Blick, you had 3 dominant performances this week (Romo 28, Benson 25, and Indy D 20). Then Kaeding nabbed you 13 (not bad), and the rest of your team was atrocious (five guys combining for 15 pts). Whiteford, once again you're led by AP with 18, and then everyone else was average. Man, I can't wait to see your costume tonight. What did you decide about the hair again? Are you going to get a wig since you're balding? Did you find an "alan" wig? Anyway, it can't look much better than the halloween when you dressed as the fucked up Santa.

Bromantic Ballsquad 97 White Mamba 87

Trey loses? It's about fucking time. You'd rattled off 4 W's in a row before Steuber finally put a stop to it behind Ryan Grant (21), Vjax (21), and Deangelo (19). Trey, you had some good performances from Aaron Rodgers (23), Slaton (18), and TJ (19), but Hines Ward's goose egg and Kevin Walter's 2 really fucked you. This loss allowed Bardey to take sole possession of first place and leads us to our:

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Fire Al Groh 109 try my product 72

For some reason, Yahoo likes to post the "blowout of the week" on our front page. This week, 37 points separated the powerhouse of Bardey from the ineptitude of try my product. With 5 guys in double figures (ocho 24, NY D 21), Bardey dominated this matchup. Beb, you were lead by Owen Daniels with 19, but you next highest scorer only had 11. If it makes you feel any better, you would have beaten Larson this week but 8 pts. His team was really awful.

Highest scorer of week 7: Bardey with 109

Lowest scorer: Larson with 64.

Bardey's at the top of the standings at 6-1...and I'm at the bottom at 1-6. Everyone else is bunched up in between. Good luck in week 8, bitches.

-Will

week 5 (the rest)

Guys, I appreciate all the personal emails you're sending me about the writeups, but let's try to get the comment section rolling. It makes it a more "community like" thing. And it makes me feel good to see the comments...and yes, that's gay.

Try my Product 81 Caesar live here 83

So, dekker didn't do it. Behind 27 from Michael Turner and 21 from Kurt Warner, beb held on to beat the Caesar team in week 5. Dekker, you had a good game from Peyton (23), but it wasn't enough. Beb, I guess Braylon doesn't suck after all. I've just watched him catch 2 td's...and he currently has 20 pts on your bench. I'm guessing he gets a start next week.

White Mamba 69 Fire Al Groh (around 56)

Trey, you have 69 too! Remember when you beat me and I scored 69 and you made the joke about 69? That was hilarious. It's funny because it's about genitals and mouths. Anyway, 69 was a loss for me...but a win for you. That figures. You had 21 from Burleson and the rest of your team sucked. Bardey, your team just sucked. By the way, great job starting Knowshon and Chris Johnson (9 and 3 respectively) over Ray Rice's 19 and Ahmad Bradshaw's 29 (always start players going against he raiders). I'm guessing that's going to hurt your coach's rating. But really, both you guys sucked worse than getting splinters in your dick after fucking a drawer (some of you know what I'm talking about). Ladies and Gentlemen: your uber powerhouses sharing 1st place with 4-1 records! Yay Trey! Yay Dois!

I am Dr Galazkiewic 88 Who dat ninja (around 79)

The monday night game's not over, and in theory, Cotchery could catch a long pass and beat Larson...but I don't think so. Larson, you had solid days from Brady (14), Housh (19), and the Ravens D (14). As I said before, Blick, you had a great day from the players who actually played. Romo with 21, marshall with 18, cedric benson with 20; those are great plays. However, you couldn't overcome your 3 goose eggs. I hope all the rabid animal sex you had on your honeymoon was worth it.

For the record, I'm in last place with a 1-4 record, but I've scored more points than Steuber, Beb, Dekker, Sovic, and Joe. Am I bitter? Fuck yes. Who's uber's leading point scorer? Fucking Whiteford (with a 3-2 record). Trey and Bardey, congrats on your share of the lead, but if you have more weeks like this, you won't be there long.

Good luck in week 6.

Week 5--the beginning

So, it's Sunday night. I'm watching the phils playoff game, which started at an insane 10:07 Eastern time. That's just retarded. I'm going to go ahead and get a head start on the writeups

Pitchman (more than 111) Death becomes her (98)

Fuck you, Whiteford. My best week of the season, and I have to face you. You have 111...and still have two more guys to play on Monday night. You had insane days from Hasselback (27), Winslow (23) and the Vikings D (20)...and AP only got you 18. I think it's safe to say you're going to be the high scorer of the week. I'm fairly happy with my performance; I would have beaten most teams this week. Donovan had 25 (great to have him back), and Fitz (19), Portis (18), and Hightower (10) all had respectable days. But...I'm fucking 1-4. I hate uber fantasy. Sovic, I look forward to your analysis of commishes being shitty as hell in the leagues they run. I believe it has historical precedent. Whiteford, you improved to 3-2. Congrats (but you should still be worried about Paraguayan independence day...I'm not kidding about that shit).

Hoosgow (more than 80) smoke yourself thin (more than 30)

Holy shit. Sovic is having an epic day of horrible fantasy. Kenny Britt still has a quarter to play, but sovic's high scorer is Kevin Smith...with 9 fucking points. That's right...NO ONE in double figures. Calvin Johnson, Desean Jackson, and Chris Cooley contributed 0 pts each. I know johnson got hurt, but I'm pretty sure desean and cooley played. I'm not sure why desean put up a goose egg, but Cooley's shitty day probably has something to do with that fact that he plays for the redskins. I hear Snyder called Shanahan. Get Zorn the fuck out of there. Joe, you had a below average, not very memorable day. Schaub (21) and AJ (23) carried your team again, but there's not much else to talk about. congrats on the win. Sovic falls to 2-3, while Joe improves to 2-3.

I am Milton Waddams 90 Bromantic Ballsquad (a little more than 67)

I'm calling this one for Lenny. Steuber still has 3 guys with a little less than a quarter remaining, but I think the 23 pt lead is safe. Steuber, you had average days from eli (14) and reggie wayne (10 and counting), and Tashard Choice chipped in 15. But you couldn't match Roddy White's saucesplosion of 36 nor Ben Raweoiffasfdijasburger's solid 21. Lenny, thanks for the email earlier. I'm glad the memories of arrest were fond ones that I could rehash for you. Steuber, still waiting to hear about Carol Simpson (I don't think he reads these posts...).

The rest of the games:

I think Larson will hold and beat Blick, but I'm not sure. Blick actually had a pretty good day, considering he didn't play a kicker, and he might have 2 dnp's.

I think beb's going to hold on and beat dekker (he's up 10 with less than a quarter to go in the sunday night game...and then both teams are finished).

Bardey's going to need about 14 or so points from the Jets defense on Monday night to beat Trey...but I don't think it's going to happen (now that Chris Johnson has shit the futon).

Here's what I know for sure: if beb holds on, I'll be in sole ownership of last place (where I fucking belong). Also, if bardey loses, Trey will have a share of first place. That hurts.

I'll update the rest later in the week.

Fuck, phillies are losing 3-1.

We'll do a short one (week 4)

Okay, so here's a quick review of week 4. I'm not going to get too much into scores, but I'll try to say something sarcastic and negative about each one of you. Also, I just realized something. Due to the recent engagements of beb and whiteford (congrats), 8 out of the 12 owners in our league are married or engaged. 67%! Officially, I think that makes me old. I imagine Bardey and Dekker will be getting on the train soon, so that only leaves Trey and Sovic. Despite the fact that Trey has thought he was getting married twice (that I know of), I actually see Sovic getting hitched first. In my humble opinion, Sovic needs to move out of NY in order to make that happen (I can't exactly explain why...and he's accused me wanting him to move out of the city before). I can completely see him meeting some random girl, dating for a bit, moving in together, and then taking the plunge. She might even let him have sex with her. Trey, on the other hand, is our consummate "grass is greener" friend. As soon as he dips his dong into a mound of love pudding, he's immediately dreaming of another mound of pudding that's sweeter, wetter, or messier. I'm so jealous. But alas, no weddings for Trey in the foreseeable future.

Caesar live here? 89 Death becomes her 81

Fuck you, Dekker.

I am Dr. Galazkiewic 95 Pitchman 66

Larson, you left a post on the smackboard asking why your team sucked, and thanking god for Fred Taylor . Yes, you beat YT (despite Fred's 3 total points), but Fred Taylor's not going to save your team this week (he's hurt, and it's not even his groin). Whiteford, your team started out so well. Now, it's garbage. AP had no desire to save your ass this week. Also, you're getting married on May 15th, which everyone knows is Paraguayan independence day. That's a bad omen. However, it's also Teacher's day in Mexico and South Korea, so...you know. Maybe those equal out.

Fire Al Groh 68 Hoosgow 60

Bardey's 4-0! What a powerhouse! What's that? You would have lost to anyone else in the league except Whiteford? You're a faux undefeated team. Beating Hoosgow should probably count as .5 of a loss (and yes, losing to him should count as 1.5). Joe, what the fuck are you feeding your intestinally challenged baby? That picture is horrifying. Change that shit (oooohhh, a double entendre) .

White Mamba 112 try my product 109

Oh, beb, this is a tough loss. I mean, any loss to Trey is tough, but you should have won this one. I would say that Braylon fucked you with 0 pts, but Jennings only needed a mediocre game Monday night to help you beat Trey, and he responded with a shitty 3pts. Trey, you are tied 3-1 and tied with Steuber for 2nd place (but lead him in points). However, I refuse to ever call your team a powerhouse. Am I biased? Of course. But that's just the way things are.

Smoke yourself thin 101 I am Milton Waddams 93

Viche, you had a nice week from your no-name receivers. I'm glad you took your negative prediction back. Lenny, I always struggle to figure out something to write for you. Has anyone ever tried to make fun of Lenny? It's really hard. He's...so...good. I can't really explain it. So, I'll just bring up old shit. Remember when you got arrested in college for threatening your creative writing professor? That was awesome (even though I'm pretty sure I wasn't there and have only been told the story so many times that I feel like I was there). You're such a creepy stalker weirdo criminal guy. Dick.

Bromantic Ballsquad 78 Who dat ninja 71

Sorry, guys. I don't have much to say about this matchup. Congrats on the win, Steuber. Do you remember Carol Simpson from college? Oh, she was so hot. Did you ever touch her where the underpants go? I think you might have. Not sure. I have to say, I didn't do much with her, but it's still one of the most memorable hookups I've ever had (doughnuts and OJ for the entire pledge class). I always wanted a bit more with her, but she wasn't having it. Anyway, a few years ago, i got an email (maybe friendster? can't remember) from her asking what I was doing (I was dating my future wife). She asked how I was doing and if I was dating anyone. I replied yes, and she said she was really happy for me and she wondered why we never worked out (or something like that...it wasn't that specific). It sounds like she was going through one of those "what does it all mean" moments. This doesn't really have much to do with anything, I just thought of it the other day. So...did you bang her? She was really hot.

Anyway, what I'm really curious about is how much Blick is paying attention to his team while he's laying pipe with his new wife. He did lose this past week, but he didn't have any dnp's and he didn't have any bye week players in. However, as of this writing, he still has two guys in his starting lineup who probably won't play (Cotchery and Roy Williams) and and one has a bye (the kicker). Get that shit changed out, or we'll have to start calling you mini-hoosgow (or hoosgow II...or maybe the hoosgow deuce...I'm not sure yet).

Good luck tomorrow, boys. If you have a gmail address and you're watching the games tomorrow, invite me to chat (shoafing@gmail.com). I'd love to catch up. I might not be around for the early games, but I should be watching late afternoon and maybe the night game.

Week 3...the rest

Sovic, I'm sorry I always save your writeup for the second half. I still love you, and I thought of an old story that made me chuckle (I might have written about it before in years past). The other day, my students were talking about all the kids who are sick (swine flu has taken over our school), and some of them have had bad nausea. Someone mentioned drinking red gatorade and throwing up red. What did I think of? The amazing unproductive trip to Kings Dominion in college. The night before Souts, you, and I (was someone else there?) planned to go to King's Dominion, I believe you decided to stay up all night drinking rum. The next morning, we grabbed slurpees (you chose to mix all the flavors) and hit the road. We got to King's Dominion...and it was closed. On our dejected ride back, you were silent until you simply mouthed the words "Pull over." You repeated it with more urgency, "PULL OVER." Then, on the shoulder of Interstate 64, you puked the most colorful vomit I've ever seen in my life. Good times...and good memories.

Who Dat Ninja 82 Smoke your self thin 73

Ahhh, the monday night disappointment. I guess there was an off chance that Sovic was going to hold onto this win, but with Blick's Romo and Williams combining for 21 on Monday night, Sovic was Toast. The worst part of this matchup? SOVIC FORGOT TO PUT IN A DEFENSE. Not Joe, not Trey...Sovic. I could harp on this point quite a bit, but he's completely mortified. So I will just say this: Sovic, I don't mean to make fun of your employment situation, but you don't have a job right now. The only thing you have to keep track of is fantasy. There's no excuse. As far as the actual matchup, not much happened. Desean was Sovic's high scorer (21), and Cotchery carried Blick's team with 17. Blick, congrats on your fast start. Sovic, it looks like both of our teams suck.

I am Dr. Galazkiewic 89 Caesar live here? 74

Larson, your team motto right now is, "My team is horrible. Horrible." Well, maybe it should say your team was horrible. Because you had pretty good week. Six of your nine starters scored at least 12 points! That's awesome. The only thing that kept you from being the high scorer this week was the shit nuggets your other players left. TO with 0, Chris Henry with 1, and LJ with 1 is simply awful. Dekker, you're lucky Peyton is awesome (30 pts), or else you would really, really suck. Good luck with your continued march into crapitude.

Bromantic Ballsquad 89 Pitchman 79

Steuber! Thank you for taking down one of our undefeated teams. Whiteford needed someone to take him down a notch. He just got engaged, and he's on his final march to completing his Phd (maybe by early next year). He can't be good at fantasy as well. Looking at the box score, nothing really stands out that much. 19 from Reggie Wayne was nice for Steuber, and Vincent Jackson (13) has really become a star this year. Whiteford: unfortunately, when you draft Purple Jesus, you need him to score in high double figures every week to win. Since he only managed 9 pts against fucking San Fran (which might have a better D than I thought), Pitchman was going down.

Week 4 thoughts:

Joe, on principle, I never root for the hated hoosgow. But for the sake of parity, kick bardey's ass this weekend (prob not going to happen).

Dekker: I plan on stabbing you like a South American robber this week.

Beb: You need a victory over Trey. It's past time for you to get revenge for the Ruby incident.

As for the rest of the matchups, I don't have a vested interest either way (because I haven't lost to the rest of you yet).

Whiteford vs. Larson: you guys don't even know each other.

Sovic vs. Lenny: I hope to see you both of you catching up on the smack board

Blick vs. Steuber: Hey, you're both married now. Talk about that.

Good luck in week 4, boys.