One more week until playoffs...

Here's what I know:  Bardey and Trey are getting byes in the playoffs.  Steuber, Larson and I will be taking time off after week 13.  The rest of the potential playoff teams are pieces of half digested corn in a shit salad...equally unappetizing but perhaps good enough to get in (my mouth?  not sure that analogy works).

Teams 3-6 in the standings are as follows:
3.  Pitchman           6-6  1098 pts
4.  Who Dat Ninja  6-6  1058
5.  Hoosgow           6-6   984
6.  Sovic's team       6-6   962

Oddly enough, none of these teams play each other this week, so they are all in control of their own destinies.  If they win, they're in the playoffs.  Since it's rivalry week, we're playing the same teams we did in week 1 Sorry Viche, this really fucking blows for you (he gets to be thrashed by the Dois).  I also happen to think White Mamba  will bounce back from his heart breaking loss to Pitchman last week and spank some Hoosgow.  So, now that we've established that the chances of all 4 of these 6-6 teams winning in week 13 is about the same as Joe's kid ending up normal, we have to look at the next 3 teams in the standings:

7:  Try my product            5-6-1  1005 points
8. I am Milton Waddams  5-7      1078 pts
9.  Caesar live here?         5-7        966

The thing that pops out the most is that Lenny's team is good.  He's got a shit ton of points.  If he beats Blick, he probably gets in (as long as beb or another of the 6-6 teams lose).    Beb has that dangling tie that immediately vaults him infront of any 6-7 team as long as he wins.  I plan on making sure that doesn't happen.  Dekker...you're probably not getting in, but you're 5-7 (same as Lenny), and I didn't want you to feel left out, especially with a cornhole follow through that beautiful.

Good luck in week 13, and as I think beb mentioned to me (update...it was dois who said it):  I can't wait to see Lenny and Blick revive their amazing tension filled rivalry.

week 8 notes and week 9 preview

Katie woke up the other morning and said, "you slept with Elaine" (beb, trey and whiteford, I'd kindly ask that you NOT mention this to Elaine or her husband CJ). Apparently, Katie had a dream and in this dream I fucked the shit out of our mutual friend Elaine (who is also pregnant). She was obviously pissed, and frankly, I didn't know how to respond. What the fuck?  How is this my fault?  And was Elaine already pregnant when I was fucking her?  If yes, that's gross.  And how does one respond to irrational questions that have no answer?  Do you pretend that she didn't visit crazy town and say you're sorry?  Fuck that.  Anyway, I mentioned that I had a dream that one of my co-workers (Amanda) wanted to fuck me and I said no. Katie asked, "is Amanda the real skinny one?"  I said yes.  She responded, "that's okay, she's not cute." Huh?  The lesson as always:  don't fucking argue with crazy.  If any of you fucks mention this to Katie when you visit for the skins/dallas game, I'll fucking kill you all while you sleep in the rig.

WEEK 8 NOTES:

Endless Futility 90   Bromantic Ballsquad 82
I fucking won a game!  For this week at least, I'll cut out the whining emails about my unlucky fantasy performance.  Donovan Mcnabb (20) and the chicago D (26...an excellent bye week pickup) carried my can of whoop ass to Steuber's doorstep.  Two of steuber's WR's had an outstanding day (wayne with 21 and Vjax with 17), but going into Monday night, he needed Lance Moore to score 9 for the tie.  Alas, he scored 1, but apparently he was hurt anyway.  What a pussy.  Steuber, I'd like to hear how the birthday bash on the beach went.  Maybe you or Trey can post a recap in the comments with pictures of scantily clad women playing beach volleyball.
Standings:  Steuber is now in 5th place with a 4-4 record and 669 points scored.  I'm still in 12th place, but my record improved to 2-6, and I've scored 679 pts.

I am milton Waddams 112   Pitchman 85
Oh, whiteford, how the mighty have fallen (you were never really mighty...but AP's good).  That's three L's in a row.  AP got 19, and Mark Sanchez got 24, but Boldin is still probing your ass with inanimate objects (2 pts...man has he sucked this year).    Lenny, you had a dominating performance, with 7 of your players in double digits (including 30 from mjd).  Only 1pt from torry Holt and a big 0 from Tony Scheffler?  No problem, your team was still bad ass.  It's probably good you decided to drop Tony this week; he's been awful.  On another note, congratulations to beb for his new TE: Tony Scheffler!  Good pickup, beb.
Standings:  Whiteford dropped to 8th place with a 3-5 record, but 696 pts scored (4th in the league).  Lenny, you're in 4th place with a 4-4 record and 763 pts scored (2nd overall).

Who dat Ninja 84    Hoosgow 76
Fucking Blickley, taking out my new favorite team.  Joe, you had another great performance by Favre (25), and Lesean McCoy got a respectable 15.  Everything else was poop.  Blick, you did not have a great day by any means (21 from Romo; 19 from Gore was about it), but it was enough to beat the beloved Hoosgow.  For those of you counting (and it's probably only me and Blick), that's 3 wins in a row for the ninjas.
Standings:  Hoosgow fell to 7th place with a 4-4 record and 647 pts scored.  Blickley is now the sole owner of 3rd place with a 5-3 record and 690 pts scored.  Watch out for this team...there's a big trade in the works to give Blick the #1 receiver he needs to challenge Trey and Dois.

Try my product 91    Sovic's latest team name 81
Sovic called me 10 min before game time last Sunday to ask me if Calvin Johnson was playing (he wasn't).  Since he didn't have another WR to fill in because of bye weeks and injuries, I offered to drop someone and add a free agent WR to his team.  He responded, "just forget about it...my team is awful anyway."  That pretty much sums up his season (I def fucked that quote up).  At least SJAX had a good day with 22 pts.  Beb, your rb tandem of Michael Turner (22) and Pierre Thomas (19) are finally starting to produce where you drafted them.  Greg Jennings even had 14 pts.  But...despite the win, a gay cloud hangs over the Try my Product locker room because Owen Daniels is probably out for the year.  I'm sure Tony Scheff can pick up the slack...
Standings:  Beb's in 6th place with a 4-4 record and 667 pts.  Sovic dropped to 10th place with a 3-5 record and 648 pts scored.

White Mamba 73   I am Dr. Galiewackitx 67
Woof.  this matchup was horrible.  Trey, you did NOT deserve a win this week, but Larson's team is very bad (and with his $100 uber dollars left...he hasn't done anything to improve it).  Larson, your lone bright spot was LT finally scoring 17 pts.  yay.  Trey, Aaron Rodgers had 28 pts, but the "holy shit" part of your week was Slaton's -1 on the day.  He fumbled yet once again, and was benched for the game...which then caused you to go out and spend $89 uber dollars on Moats.  You have $6 dollars left.  Now, despite the fact that I think Moats was a one week wonder and was an absolutely awful pickup, the real problem is your lack of uber dollars.  You're in 2nd place.  Most likely, you're going to the playoffs.  What happens if you have an injury and you want to add the guy's backup?  You just guaranteed the fact you that will NOT be in the running for any hot free agents for the rest of the year...and I just think that's stupid.  Only time will tell.  I hope Moats does well for you this week anyway...oh that's right, he's on your bench.
Standings:  Trey is in 2nd place with a 6-2 record and 737 pts.  Larson's in 9th place with a 3-5 record and 652 pts (and three losses in a row).

Fire Al Groh 112  Caesar live here 73
God, it's getting tiresome writing about how good Dois's team is...and of course this was the blowout of the week.  Other than a week 5 loss to the White Mamba, Bardey's been untouchable (well, you probably should have lost in week 4 when you only scored 68 pts...but Hoosgow only scored 60).  Drew Brees, Chris Johnson, and Ray Rice continue to be fucking awesome.  Dekker, Forte finally came out of his shell (with 24 pts), but you continue to suck (and have the lowest point total in the league).
Standings:  Bardey's in frst place with a 7-1 record and has scored the most points in the league (792). Dekker, you slipped to 11th place with a 3-5 record and only 640 pts scored.

Week 9 preview:
Well, the shitty teams (bottom 4 of the standings) are playing each other this week.  I face off against Larson, and dekker faces Sovic.  As long as I get a win this week, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get out of the cellar.  No matter what happens in either of these matchups, all of our teams will still suck.

Hoosgow vs. Milton Waddams along with try my product vs. Bromantic Ballsquad are both battles of the 4-4 teams.  I say Joe and Beb win to take hold of 4th and 5th place (and one step close to the playoffs).  Go Hoosgow!

Fire Al Groh vs. Pitchman:  this is where Bardey goes 8-1 because AP is on bye.  Lucky motherfucker.

Who Dat Ninja vs. White Mamba:  This should be a good one.  2nd place takes on 3rd place.  Same pledge class vs. same pledge class.  Is Trey still mad that blick was SP and made us all look bad?  Fuck yeah he is.  Personally, I think Blick's going to destroy Trey this week (and so does the Yahoo prediction).  Settle this.

Good luck, bitches.

week 7

Sorry for the week 6 no show, but sovic did a kickass job. And...yeah, I know week 7 is late, but whatever. It's kind of hard to get motivated when my team is 1-6. However, I've decided to have a surrogate team to root for instead. My endless futility has necessitated me to choose a team to win it all. That team (in a stunning reversal for me) is the hated hoosgow. I figure that most people root against Joe on principle (like I used to), so Hoosgow might need a little help (and as beb can attest, rooting for one team or another makes a huge difference). So, from this point on, Hoosgow will be my team. Joe is 4-3 with his sites set on the playoffs. I'm sure my support can get him there. Good luck, Joe.

(another note, I can't figure out how to put the picture where I want it, so it's at the top. You'll understand as you read on,but whiteford looks fucked up)

Sovic 105 Endless Futility 89

Sovic, fuck you. You have sucked a fat one every week (except when you scored 101 to beat Lenny in week 4). Against me, you have your best game of the year. Fuck you and fuck Miles Austin and his 30 fucking points and fuck DeSean Jackson and his 24 fucking points. On my team, Vernon Davis had 27 points, but fuck him too...because it wasn't enough to beat you (disregard the comment I made on your Bifl Blog about Vernon Davis. He was on my team...not yours).

Caesar live here? 88 I am Milton Waddams 86

Oh, Lenny this was a heart breaker. You were down only 2 with 9 minutes left in the Monday night game. All you needed was 3 more points from Jeremy Maclin...but all he gave you was a mouthful of poop. Sorry, I fucking hate the close losses. Dekker was led by Peyton (21) and Nicks (14), but he didn't really have that much going on. Despite 23 from Rivers and 19 the NOLA D, Lenny couldn't pull it out. Sucks. Oh, dekker, I want you to know that Whiteford is actually taking your advice and going as Alan from the Hangover. He came over to my house today to borrow my baby. Someone else is loaning him the bjorn.

Hoosgow 82 Larson 64

Fuck yeah! What a win by Hoosgow. Normally, people might scoff at his measly 82, but I'm very proud of the effort his team put forth on this wondrous weekend. Is it normal to win when your highest scorer is a Defense (NE with 19)? Probably not, but nothing can stop the Hoosgow. With Schaub pitching in 18 and Sydney Rice with 14, Larson didn't stand a chance. Larson, Brady managed to give you 21, but everything else was crap. Especially awful was your choice off the Cleveland D, which managed -1 against the Packers of Green Bay. Nice pickup. Joe, good luck tomorrow vs. Blick. Go Hoosgow!

Who dat Ninja 101 Pitchman 75

Blick, you had 3 dominant performances this week (Romo 28, Benson 25, and Indy D 20). Then Kaeding nabbed you 13 (not bad), and the rest of your team was atrocious (five guys combining for 15 pts). Whiteford, once again you're led by AP with 18, and then everyone else was average. Man, I can't wait to see your costume tonight. What did you decide about the hair again? Are you going to get a wig since you're balding? Did you find an "alan" wig? Anyway, it can't look much better than the halloween when you dressed as the fucked up Santa.

Bromantic Ballsquad 97 White Mamba 87

Trey loses? It's about fucking time. You'd rattled off 4 W's in a row before Steuber finally put a stop to it behind Ryan Grant (21), Vjax (21), and Deangelo (19). Trey, you had some good performances from Aaron Rodgers (23), Slaton (18), and TJ (19), but Hines Ward's goose egg and Kevin Walter's 2 really fucked you. This loss allowed Bardey to take sole possession of first place and leads us to our:

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Fire Al Groh 109 try my product 72

For some reason, Yahoo likes to post the "blowout of the week" on our front page. This week, 37 points separated the powerhouse of Bardey from the ineptitude of try my product. With 5 guys in double figures (ocho 24, NY D 21), Bardey dominated this matchup. Beb, you were lead by Owen Daniels with 19, but you next highest scorer only had 11. If it makes you feel any better, you would have beaten Larson this week but 8 pts. His team was really awful.

Highest scorer of week 7: Bardey with 109

Lowest scorer: Larson with 64.

Bardey's at the top of the standings at 6-1...and I'm at the bottom at 1-6. Everyone else is bunched up in between. Good luck in week 8, bitches.

-Will

week 5 (the rest)

Guys, I appreciate all the personal emails you're sending me about the writeups, but let's try to get the comment section rolling. It makes it a more "community like" thing. And it makes me feel good to see the comments...and yes, that's gay.

Try my Product 81 Caesar live here 83

So, dekker didn't do it. Behind 27 from Michael Turner and 21 from Kurt Warner, beb held on to beat the Caesar team in week 5. Dekker, you had a good game from Peyton (23), but it wasn't enough. Beb, I guess Braylon doesn't suck after all. I've just watched him catch 2 td's...and he currently has 20 pts on your bench. I'm guessing he gets a start next week.

White Mamba 69 Fire Al Groh (around 56)

Trey, you have 69 too! Remember when you beat me and I scored 69 and you made the joke about 69? That was hilarious. It's funny because it's about genitals and mouths. Anyway, 69 was a loss for me...but a win for you. That figures. You had 21 from Burleson and the rest of your team sucked. Bardey, your team just sucked. By the way, great job starting Knowshon and Chris Johnson (9 and 3 respectively) over Ray Rice's 19 and Ahmad Bradshaw's 29 (always start players going against he raiders). I'm guessing that's going to hurt your coach's rating. But really, both you guys sucked worse than getting splinters in your dick after fucking a drawer (some of you know what I'm talking about). Ladies and Gentlemen: your uber powerhouses sharing 1st place with 4-1 records! Yay Trey! Yay Dois!

I am Dr Galazkiewic 88 Who dat ninja (around 79)

The monday night game's not over, and in theory, Cotchery could catch a long pass and beat Larson...but I don't think so. Larson, you had solid days from Brady (14), Housh (19), and the Ravens D (14). As I said before, Blick, you had a great day from the players who actually played. Romo with 21, marshall with 18, cedric benson with 20; those are great plays. However, you couldn't overcome your 3 goose eggs. I hope all the rabid animal sex you had on your honeymoon was worth it.

For the record, I'm in last place with a 1-4 record, but I've scored more points than Steuber, Beb, Dekker, Sovic, and Joe. Am I bitter? Fuck yes. Who's uber's leading point scorer? Fucking Whiteford (with a 3-2 record). Trey and Bardey, congrats on your share of the lead, but if you have more weeks like this, you won't be there long.

Good luck in week 6.

Week 5--the beginning

So, it's Sunday night. I'm watching the phils playoff game, which started at an insane 10:07 Eastern time. That's just retarded. I'm going to go ahead and get a head start on the writeups

Pitchman (more than 111) Death becomes her (98)

Fuck you, Whiteford. My best week of the season, and I have to face you. You have 111...and still have two more guys to play on Monday night. You had insane days from Hasselback (27), Winslow (23) and the Vikings D (20)...and AP only got you 18. I think it's safe to say you're going to be the high scorer of the week. I'm fairly happy with my performance; I would have beaten most teams this week. Donovan had 25 (great to have him back), and Fitz (19), Portis (18), and Hightower (10) all had respectable days. But...I'm fucking 1-4. I hate uber fantasy. Sovic, I look forward to your analysis of commishes being shitty as hell in the leagues they run. I believe it has historical precedent. Whiteford, you improved to 3-2. Congrats (but you should still be worried about Paraguayan independence day...I'm not kidding about that shit).

Hoosgow (more than 80) smoke yourself thin (more than 30)

Holy shit. Sovic is having an epic day of horrible fantasy. Kenny Britt still has a quarter to play, but sovic's high scorer is Kevin Smith...with 9 fucking points. That's right...NO ONE in double figures. Calvin Johnson, Desean Jackson, and Chris Cooley contributed 0 pts each. I know johnson got hurt, but I'm pretty sure desean and cooley played. I'm not sure why desean put up a goose egg, but Cooley's shitty day probably has something to do with that fact that he plays for the redskins. I hear Snyder called Shanahan. Get Zorn the fuck out of there. Joe, you had a below average, not very memorable day. Schaub (21) and AJ (23) carried your team again, but there's not much else to talk about. congrats on the win. Sovic falls to 2-3, while Joe improves to 2-3.

I am Milton Waddams 90 Bromantic Ballsquad (a little more than 67)

I'm calling this one for Lenny. Steuber still has 3 guys with a little less than a quarter remaining, but I think the 23 pt lead is safe. Steuber, you had average days from eli (14) and reggie wayne (10 and counting), and Tashard Choice chipped in 15. But you couldn't match Roddy White's saucesplosion of 36 nor Ben Raweoiffasfdijasburger's solid 21. Lenny, thanks for the email earlier. I'm glad the memories of arrest were fond ones that I could rehash for you. Steuber, still waiting to hear about Carol Simpson (I don't think he reads these posts...).

The rest of the games:

I think Larson will hold and beat Blick, but I'm not sure. Blick actually had a pretty good day, considering he didn't play a kicker, and he might have 2 dnp's.

I think beb's going to hold on and beat dekker (he's up 10 with less than a quarter to go in the sunday night game...and then both teams are finished).

Bardey's going to need about 14 or so points from the Jets defense on Monday night to beat Trey...but I don't think it's going to happen (now that Chris Johnson has shit the futon).

Here's what I know for sure: if beb holds on, I'll be in sole ownership of last place (where I fucking belong). Also, if bardey loses, Trey will have a share of first place. That hurts.

I'll update the rest later in the week.

Fuck, phillies are losing 3-1.

We'll do a short one (week 4)

Okay, so here's a quick review of week 4. I'm not going to get too much into scores, but I'll try to say something sarcastic and negative about each one of you. Also, I just realized something. Due to the recent engagements of beb and whiteford (congrats), 8 out of the 12 owners in our league are married or engaged. 67%! Officially, I think that makes me old. I imagine Bardey and Dekker will be getting on the train soon, so that only leaves Trey and Sovic. Despite the fact that Trey has thought he was getting married twice (that I know of), I actually see Sovic getting hitched first. In my humble opinion, Sovic needs to move out of NY in order to make that happen (I can't exactly explain why...and he's accused me wanting him to move out of the city before). I can completely see him meeting some random girl, dating for a bit, moving in together, and then taking the plunge. She might even let him have sex with her. Trey, on the other hand, is our consummate "grass is greener" friend. As soon as he dips his dong into a mound of love pudding, he's immediately dreaming of another mound of pudding that's sweeter, wetter, or messier. I'm so jealous. But alas, no weddings for Trey in the foreseeable future.

Caesar live here? 89 Death becomes her 81

Fuck you, Dekker.

I am Dr. Galazkiewic 95 Pitchman 66

Larson, you left a post on the smackboard asking why your team sucked, and thanking god for Fred Taylor . Yes, you beat YT (despite Fred's 3 total points), but Fred Taylor's not going to save your team this week (he's hurt, and it's not even his groin). Whiteford, your team started out so well. Now, it's garbage. AP had no desire to save your ass this week. Also, you're getting married on May 15th, which everyone knows is Paraguayan independence day. That's a bad omen. However, it's also Teacher's day in Mexico and South Korea, so...you know. Maybe those equal out.

Fire Al Groh 68 Hoosgow 60

Bardey's 4-0! What a powerhouse! What's that? You would have lost to anyone else in the league except Whiteford? You're a faux undefeated team. Beating Hoosgow should probably count as .5 of a loss (and yes, losing to him should count as 1.5). Joe, what the fuck are you feeding your intestinally challenged baby? That picture is horrifying. Change that shit (oooohhh, a double entendre) .

White Mamba 112 try my product 109

Oh, beb, this is a tough loss. I mean, any loss to Trey is tough, but you should have won this one. I would say that Braylon fucked you with 0 pts, but Jennings only needed a mediocre game Monday night to help you beat Trey, and he responded with a shitty 3pts. Trey, you are tied 3-1 and tied with Steuber for 2nd place (but lead him in points). However, I refuse to ever call your team a powerhouse. Am I biased? Of course. But that's just the way things are.

Smoke yourself thin 101 I am Milton Waddams 93

Viche, you had a nice week from your no-name receivers. I'm glad you took your negative prediction back. Lenny, I always struggle to figure out something to write for you. Has anyone ever tried to make fun of Lenny? It's really hard. He's...so...good. I can't really explain it. So, I'll just bring up old shit. Remember when you got arrested in college for threatening your creative writing professor? That was awesome (even though I'm pretty sure I wasn't there and have only been told the story so many times that I feel like I was there). You're such a creepy stalker weirdo criminal guy. Dick.

Bromantic Ballsquad 78 Who dat ninja 71

Sorry, guys. I don't have much to say about this matchup. Congrats on the win, Steuber. Do you remember Carol Simpson from college? Oh, she was so hot. Did you ever touch her where the underpants go? I think you might have. Not sure. I have to say, I didn't do much with her, but it's still one of the most memorable hookups I've ever had (doughnuts and OJ for the entire pledge class). I always wanted a bit more with her, but she wasn't having it. Anyway, a few years ago, i got an email (maybe friendster? can't remember) from her asking what I was doing (I was dating my future wife). She asked how I was doing and if I was dating anyone. I replied yes, and she said she was really happy for me and she wondered why we never worked out (or something like that...it wasn't that specific). It sounds like she was going through one of those "what does it all mean" moments. This doesn't really have much to do with anything, I just thought of it the other day. So...did you bang her? She was really hot.

Anyway, what I'm really curious about is how much Blick is paying attention to his team while he's laying pipe with his new wife. He did lose this past week, but he didn't have any dnp's and he didn't have any bye week players in. However, as of this writing, he still has two guys in his starting lineup who probably won't play (Cotchery and Roy Williams) and and one has a bye (the kicker). Get that shit changed out, or we'll have to start calling you mini-hoosgow (or hoosgow II...or maybe the hoosgow deuce...I'm not sure yet).

Good luck tomorrow, boys. If you have a gmail address and you're watching the games tomorrow, invite me to chat (shoafing@gmail.com). I'd love to catch up. I might not be around for the early games, but I should be watching late afternoon and maybe the night game.

Week 3...the rest

Sovic, I'm sorry I always save your writeup for the second half. I still love you, and I thought of an old story that made me chuckle (I might have written about it before in years past). The other day, my students were talking about all the kids who are sick (swine flu has taken over our school), and some of them have had bad nausea. Someone mentioned drinking red gatorade and throwing up red. What did I think of? The amazing unproductive trip to Kings Dominion in college. The night before Souts, you, and I (was someone else there?) planned to go to King's Dominion, I believe you decided to stay up all night drinking rum. The next morning, we grabbed slurpees (you chose to mix all the flavors) and hit the road. We got to King's Dominion...and it was closed. On our dejected ride back, you were silent until you simply mouthed the words "Pull over." You repeated it with more urgency, "PULL OVER." Then, on the shoulder of Interstate 64, you puked the most colorful vomit I've ever seen in my life. Good times...and good memories.

Who Dat Ninja 82 Smoke your self thin 73

Ahhh, the monday night disappointment. I guess there was an off chance that Sovic was going to hold onto this win, but with Blick's Romo and Williams combining for 21 on Monday night, Sovic was Toast. The worst part of this matchup? SOVIC FORGOT TO PUT IN A DEFENSE. Not Joe, not Trey...Sovic. I could harp on this point quite a bit, but he's completely mortified. So I will just say this: Sovic, I don't mean to make fun of your employment situation, but you don't have a job right now. The only thing you have to keep track of is fantasy. There's no excuse. As far as the actual matchup, not much happened. Desean was Sovic's high scorer (21), and Cotchery carried Blick's team with 17. Blick, congrats on your fast start. Sovic, it looks like both of our teams suck.

I am Dr. Galazkiewic 89 Caesar live here? 74

Larson, your team motto right now is, "My team is horrible. Horrible." Well, maybe it should say your team was horrible. Because you had pretty good week. Six of your nine starters scored at least 12 points! That's awesome. The only thing that kept you from being the high scorer this week was the shit nuggets your other players left. TO with 0, Chris Henry with 1, and LJ with 1 is simply awful. Dekker, you're lucky Peyton is awesome (30 pts), or else you would really, really suck. Good luck with your continued march into crapitude.

Bromantic Ballsquad 89 Pitchman 79

Steuber! Thank you for taking down one of our undefeated teams. Whiteford needed someone to take him down a notch. He just got engaged, and he's on his final march to completing his Phd (maybe by early next year). He can't be good at fantasy as well. Looking at the box score, nothing really stands out that much. 19 from Reggie Wayne was nice for Steuber, and Vincent Jackson (13) has really become a star this year. Whiteford: unfortunately, when you draft Purple Jesus, you need him to score in high double figures every week to win. Since he only managed 9 pts against fucking San Fran (which might have a better D than I thought), Pitchman was going down.

Week 4 thoughts:

Joe, on principle, I never root for the hated hoosgow. But for the sake of parity, kick bardey's ass this weekend (prob not going to happen).

Dekker: I plan on stabbing you like a South American robber this week.

Beb: You need a victory over Trey. It's past time for you to get revenge for the Ruby incident.

As for the rest of the matchups, I don't have a vested interest either way (because I haven't lost to the rest of you yet).

Whiteford vs. Larson: you guys don't even know each other.

Sovic vs. Lenny: I hope to see you both of you catching up on the smack board

Blick vs. Steuber: Hey, you're both married now. Talk about that.

Good luck in week 4, boys.

Week 3...the first half

Well, fuck. I can't believe I lost to Joe and Trey in consecutive weeks. I'm a broken man. I've got nothing left to say. Also, if you take the time to read these, go ahead and comment on something. For those of you who don't read your email, here's Trey's writeup of our game:

Death Becomes Her (70) vs. White Mamba (108)
After coming off a painful loss to the hated Hoosgow, one would have thought that the Commish would have been focused and ready to play. In week 2, Death Becomes Her went for 69 (a nice number for the bedroom, not for the fantasy field) In Week 3, team moribund managed to only bleed out one more point, narrowly escaping the dubious honor of lowest scoring team - which this week went to Hoosgow. Will's only highlight was a good game by a second rate quarterback, Jason Campbell. In contrast, White Mamba (high scorer of the week) had a balanced attack with 6 players in double digits. White Mamba was also led by his quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who unlike Jason Campbell is a solid starting quarterback. The Commish faces Dekker in Week 4 where he will hope to end his losing streak. Unfortunately, according to top Yahoo analyst he is unlikely to do so.

So, Trey's a dick.

Here's the rest:

Fire Al Groh 88 I am Milton waddams 75

Well, bardey is now the only team with a "0" in his record. Congrats, Mr. Undefeated. 88 isn't a great total, but it was enough against Leonardo delackio. Bardey's highest scorer was a TE (Celek with 17), but his balanced attack had 5 guys score in double figures. Lenny had shit except for Philip Rivers (17) and MJD (32). Going into Monday night, Lenny could have beaten dois. He just needed 15 from Jonathan Stewart (he got 1pt). Bardey's now 3-0, and Lenny's one of the seven teams sitting at 1-2 (I love parity).

Try my product 84 Hoosgow 63

Beb earned his first win this year against the hated hoosgow, and successfully revenged the stunning defeat of his fellow Austinite (thanks). Beb was led by his favorite frenchman, Pierre Thomas, with 25 pts. Kurt Warner (whose feelings have been hurt quite a bit with beb's constant reminders of his accidental draft status) pitched in 14, and Greg Jennings finally showed life with 11. But...Braylon still sucks (3pts). Bad pick. Joe, I'm happy to see you lose this week. Schaub did well, but that's about it. Oh, and Westbrook didn't play, but you still started him. Nice coaching. I'd try to make fun of you more, but I lost to you last week, and that damn picture of you and Santino is fucking cute.

I'll finish the rest later, the Phillies are trying to clinch against the Astros. But I want to say one last thing. I know my team is shit in uber (always), but I've really enjoyed this year. Other than Dois's great start, we have a fuck load of parity in this league. And the emails have been great. Keep it up, bitches.

Week 2 review...the rest of it

I saved the two basement dweller writeups for last. Larson and Beb, sorry you guys are 0-2...but someone has to suck the hardest.

Troy McClure Movie 98 I am worse than Ezra 91

Oh, larson. You haven't said a thing over email. What a douche. Anyway, Dallas Clark had 25. That's all the writeup you get. Also, your name is humorous, but isn't the reference a bit old? I have a friend from high school who still sends pulp fiction quotes out over email. I mean, it was a great movie, but come on...find a newer reference. Actually, it's just kind of sad with him because he works his ass off, and I'm pretty sure Pulp Fiction was the last movie he saw. Anyway, Larson, don't be that guy. Sovic, you had a solid day. No guys in the 20's, but 5 in double figures, and 2 with 8 pts. The only guy who really sucked was Kenny Britt, but I'm not even sure who that is, so I don't expect much.

I am Milton Waddams 87 Try my product 71

Beb, I know you very well. You do research before the draft, and you usually draft a pretty good team. During the season, you make a few moves that usually end up improving your team (except that carson for peyton trade a couple years back...simply awful). But this year, your team gargles balls. In fact, if Joe hadn't had his 35 point crapfest in week 1, you'd be 0-2 AND the lowest scoring team in the league. When I look at your team, I feel nauseous. I mean, I like Jennings (who has sucked) and Turner (who is just normal this year)...but the rest of your team is extremely questionable/shitty. Warner? Risky and old. Braylon? coming off an awful year and doesn't seem to be any better. Jamal Lewis? Blech. I don't know, man. I'm not sure this is your year. But, it's early, overpay for some shitty free agents and we'll see how it works out. Lenny, good win...but Marion's Barber's 22 pts was the only thing you really had going.

So, good luck in week 3. I hope I slay the White Mamba.

Also, I see sovic dropped Darious Heyward-Bey...probably a good move.

Will

Week 2 in Review: Part 1.

Well, fuck me. I talked all kinds of shit about Joe's team last week and he beat the shit out of me this week...without starting a kicker AND having Antonio Bryant as a DNP. I deserved to lose. Somehow, the fantasy gods fucking love the Hoosgow. After 2 weeks, his team still has scored the fewest points overall; yet, he somehow is 1-1. I will not say more about this week, I have to move on. Joe, I'm looking forward to your writeup of our matchup; just include it in the comments or email it to me and I'll add it in the post.

Fire Al Groh 130 Who dat Ninja 91

Bardey is the new powerhouse of Uber? Usually, he blows in this league, but since his team is VERY shitty in Bifl this year, his Uber team is kicking ass. He's 2-0 and is leading the league with 234 pts. Now, a lot of this week's score is from Chris Johnson (46 pts), but he also had 4 others in double figures (brees 23, ochocinco 15, driver 15, and longwell 10). Blick, you had 38 from Gore and not much else, but you still managed a decent score. Too bad the autodraft failed you this week (if you make one roster move, I can stop bringing it up).

Caesar live here? 108 Bromantic Ballsquad 86

Dekker, congrats on your win (even though I am going to start referring to you as Mr. Schuester). This matchup was actually much closer than the scores would indicate. Dekker had 5 players in double figures; Steuber had 4. But the big difference came with Steuber's WR's and TE. True, Vincent Jackson had 21; but Wayne, Crayton, and Zach Miller combined to score 5 points. On another note, you guys really have to watch an episode of Glee. The guy looks exactly like Dekker (same mannerisms and everything). It really freaked me out. Disclaimer: the show is completely gay...and I love it.

Pitchman 86 White Mamba 65

And the lowest score of the week goes to: White Mamba!!! Congrats Trey, your team really sucked this week. Looking at the box score, I still think your team has the capacity to score some points (slaton, rodgers, TJ, Gates, Randy Moss, Hines Ward). Your guys just had an off week. Whiteford, you would have lost (or tied) to most other teams, but you were facing the mamba. You and bardey are the only teams still undefeated, but I'm not ready to call your team a powerhouse yet (but with AD able to rip off 30-40 on any given week, you're never out of it). Let's see how Coltson, Boldin, Addai, etc. do in the next few weeks.

I'll finish up later in the week,

Will

Congrats, Dekker

I don't know the score of Dekker's uber game (I haven't even looked at the box scores yet). Recaps will come later. However, after watching the first episode of "Glee," I'd like to congratulate Dekker on landing the lead in fox's immensely successful new show.

First episode of Glee from hulu

Week 1 in review (Rivalry Week!)

So, week 1 is over. Personally, I think week 1 writeups are dumb, because it's hard to predict how good and bad teams are just by one week's performance (except Joe...he sucks). But, here goes.

Pitchman 111 Caesar Live Here? 61

Even though Whiteford and Dekker have barely hung out (ever), this is possibly the most hated rivalry we have in Uber. I was hoping for a tight game with an exciting finish. Instead, Dekker shit the futon (I'm bringing this phrase back). Other than AD with 38, whiteford didn't have an outstanding day (but 19 from Hasselback was a pleasant surprise). But, with the putrid stink emanating from Dekker's squad, he didn't need much. Dekker did get 20 from Santonio and 15 from Peyton, but the rest of his team was garbage. Combined score from Forte and Fast Willie: 6 pts. Fantastic.

Who dat Ninja 107 I am Milton Waddams 93

God, this rivalry is lame. But, the game was exciting. Blick's autodrafted team had a solid day (romo 27, Roy W. 14, Gore 16, Tony G 13). Lenny's team did okay as well, but when John Carleson (21 fucking pts!) is your highest scorer, you usually lose. On a side note, Blick is getting married this Saturday (and then I imagine he's going on a honeymoon), so he probably won't be checking his team for a while. I guess autoplay naturally follows autodraft. Congratulations anyway (seriously, good luck this weekend).

Bromantic Ballsquad 94 I am worse than Ezra 71

Poor, poor Larson. I just feel bad for him. I mean, he's led a rough life. He went to a great college, got a great job after college, then went to law school. He's always dated hot girls, and then he married one in a castle in Europe. He also juggles fire. Adding insult to injury, Steuber gave him an epic beatdown in rivaly week. Don't' worry, Larson, the breaks will go your way eventually. Steuber, you got great weeks from Reggie Wayne, Vjax, Deangelo, and Ryan Grant. congrats. I'm just glad I don't have to look at a picture of poop anymore when I check out your team (I'm glad you laid Chapupa to rest).

Fire Al Groh 104 Suddenly Tulsa 82

Bardey won, Drew brees scored 37, his team was better than sovic's, blah, blah, blah. I need to use this space to describe Sovic's epic blog post about our other league (bifl). Sovic (because he's unemployed with lots of free time) did research on each team's record against every other team in the league (I believe the history goes back 5 years or so). Then he analyzed trends, streaks, inadvertent rivalries, etc. It was fucking amazing. I would love to say that the only reason I don't plan on doing this for uber is because our history is all fucked up (because of site changes), but in reality, i could never put together a post like that...and it makes me sad. If you like reading posts about football leagues you're not involved in, check it out.

Epic bifl post

White Mamba 88 Hoosgow 35

oh...my...god. Joe, you know I love you. You send me cute videos of your son Thomas, and I love watching them. Normalinda is an amazing woman, and you two are awesome for each other. If I was ever stranded somewhere and needed a corporate lawyer, I'd know you would be there for me. But...you suck at fantasy football. I'm not sure why (lack of research and dedication). I mean, you were the fucking champ one year (which was lucky as shit). Hopefully, the breaks will start going your way (if you learn how to change players on your roster). Trey, great days from TJ, Randy, and Aaron. Congrats on the win. However, what are you doing right now in LA? I received an email in which you stated you were "in a fellowship," but you offered no other details. What the hell does that mean? I imagine you are in a grad school type environment, but I'm not ruling out the possibility that you became a man of God. Fill us in.

Death Becomes Her 102 Try my Product 66

I won; beb lost. I'm happy because of it. Beb, maybe you'll give us a little writeup in the comment section. I don't like to masturbate in front of the entire group.

High Scorer of the week: Whiteford (111...courtesy of AD)

Low Scorer of the week: you fucking know who it is.

Good luck in week 2.

Fucking Filtering Software

So, I can't access yahoo fantasy OR Espn fantasy on my computer at school because of filtering software. So, the game writeups won't happen until thursday or Friday. Oddly enough, I can still access our old uberleague through cbssportsline.com. Apparently, they don't care that we didn't pay. I imagine our league will be deleted at some point, but right now, we have the same teams as last year and we just played our first games. Well, we did have the same teams. Because I'm a huge dork, I used my commish powers to make some changes to Vagina Dentata.
1. I added Tom Brady from the waiver wire (only fair since I drafted him last year).
2. Larson was kind enough to trade me Adrian Peterson for Eli Manning.
3. Steuber gave up Larry Fitzgerald in exchange for Lavernaues Coles.
4. Dekker traded me Calvin Johnson for Lance Moore.

Since this site is the only one I can access from work, I imagine I'll be paying more attention to my fake uber team than my real one this year. If you want to see how you're "old" team is doing:
http://lcm.football.cbssports.com/
UPDATE: I found out Bardey added a kicker because his old one was out of football. I'm not the only dork.
Will

Early Observations of week 1

We'll see how this blog shit works. I'd like to think that despite everyone's learning curve on yahoo (except for the genius Larson), Rivalry Week was a success. Here are some early observations from week 1.

1. My team is much better than beb's. Santana Moss and Braylon Edwards still suck.
2. Blick's auto drafted team is pretty good. If he's the champ this year, we have to kick him out of the league.
3. Dekker had an awful, awful week. He's been noticeably silent because of it. Whiteford, why aren't you rubbing that shit in?
4. Drew Brees is good. He is letting Dois shit on sovic's forehead this week.
5. Larson is right. I'm an idiot for not realizing that Marshawn could be taken out today for Fred Taylor. But his team has still sucked a hard one so far. That said, he's got 5 guys still to play.
6. Joe's team is awful, which is like saying the sun will come up tomorrow. Nice empty kicker (even if you did try).
7. Trey's weirdo "iphoto'd" picture is so 2004.

Welcome to a new season, bitches.

Will